Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
