Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
