The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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