She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
