Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
