Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
