i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
tell me about the fingering
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