OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
