i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
