Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
