The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
