he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
