also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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