It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
