I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
