I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
