so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
