just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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