guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
