There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
