I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
