This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
