I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
