I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
