I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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