hell yes lets make some ravioli
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
