I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
