so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
