I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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