Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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