Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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