Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
