I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
