I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
