i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
