Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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