I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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