Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When are your genitals available?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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