You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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