I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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