dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
