I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
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four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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