My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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