Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
