So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
