just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize