Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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