Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
