Please, let me fuck your mom
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
