I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
