Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
