chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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