remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
