Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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