I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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