Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
