I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
