Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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