I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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