Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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